Memoirs of a Secret Muslimah - Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

In my last post, I mentioned how the head of sixth form said that she would call home and inform my family about my Islam. After, I decided to write a letter to her and express my feelings, saying how my mother's a devout person in her religion, and the news would kill her, and if something bad happened as a result of my secret coming out, for example, me getting kicked out of the house, would she be willing to provide me with shelter or not? And I also wrote how if I was pregnant or something, and I didn't want my parents to know, then this information would be withheld from my family, so why should religion be any different?

This just made the situation a thousand times worse. She ended up showing the letter to other teachers, including the headteacher and claimed that the letter had a 'threatening' and 'intimidating' tone. She said that she will definitely be calling in my mother for a meeting, and that I had a day to tell my mother, and whether or not I told her, she will still be calling my mother. A couple of friends tried to talk to her, but she said that her mind will not be changed. I was emotionally unstable for the rest of the day.

We decided to go to the masjid and ask the imam for advice. All he said was that in life, you have to make compromises sometimes, and that was about it. I decided that it was best that my mother heard the news from me, rather than from some complete stranger whom she'd never seen before. So I wondered how I was going to tell her, and decided to tell her in the morning, as then I could run out of the house to go to sixth form, and that would give her space to think without me being in the way.

So the next day, before leaving for sixth form, I wrote a note to my mother saying something along the lines of:
"To my dearest mother,
I don't know how to tell you this, and I have no intention of making you upset, but because now I am in such a compromising situation, I have to tell you. I have converted to Islam. I am so sorry for disappointing you."

I ran out of the house to go to sixth form, and for the rest of the day, I could not help but think about my mother's reaction, if all of my things were outside in the front garden, if the locks had been changed, if my mother had called up my brothers and told them how much of a disappointment I was and etc. I had never feared going home so much in my life. I entered the house and it was silent. Too silent. Normally my mother would be offering her prayers to her statues, but that day, it was dead silent. I could hear running water in the bathroom, and so I sat in the hallway for 20 minutes, fearing what would happen next. So at one point, I plucked up the courage and ran up the stairs and into my room. I then noticed a note on my desk.

It was from my mother and to keep it short and simple, it said how she prayed to have me and now I am the cause of her heartbreak, and how when my father passed away, we supported each other, and ultimately, all she wants for me is to be successful and happy in life. She also said how my father converted to Buddhism because it was the truth even though his heart wasn't completely into it and how because now I've converted to Islam, I am verily misguided, and she hopes that my father guides me back to the right path. She also said how she's getting older, and this news has shortened her lifespan, and she does not know how much longer she has to live, and that whether I listen to her or not, that is my choice, but if something bad happens to her, then I am of the cause of her pain. I burst into tears after reading the letter, and cried in sujood. But I knew one thing for sure. I wasn’t going to compromise my deen for anything.

She didn't talk to me or even bear to look at me for days.

The next day, I remember going to sixth form, and I was so depressed that day, and so I prayed and then cried in sujood, letting out all of my emotions to my Lord, and relying on Him to ease my hardship. I carried on with my day, and came home to complete silence, as I decided to keep my distance between myself and my mother in order to not aggravate the situation. The following day, I had a meeting with the headteacher and the head of sixth form. I just put all of my trust in Allah, and whatever happens, happens for the best. The time for the meeting came, and so I made my way to the headteacher's office. We waited about 20 minutes for the head of sixth form to come, but she didn't turn up, so people were looking for her and everything, but she was nowhere to be found. So it was just me and the headteacher. She told me to take off my niqaab, which I did, and then she said how she was very upset about my letter and that I was bullying a member of staff via my letter. She then moved onto the main issue, which was the niqaab. (Prior to this, when asked, my head of sixth form said that the problem did not lie with the niqaab, and that the issue was much bigger than this. But this proved to be a complete lie.) She said how she will not call my mother in for a meeting if I do not wear the niqaab in school premises, and that how I'm old enough to make my own decisions. Initially, I didn't say anything, but then my headteacher realised and said, "This is a meeting, you have to talk." So she then asked me what made me decide to choose to convert to Islam and everything, and then I was allowed to go.

After, I remember feeling so angry that the head of sixth form had put me through all of this fitnah, for the headteacher to tell me that she will not be telling my mother after all. But then I realised that if it wasn't for that, I doubt I would have ever told my mother. Maybe as time went by, I would just delay revealing my secret to the point I would never tell her. I remember spending the rest of the day covering my face with my pashmina as I didn't want to show my face to my chemistry teacher. I came home that day, and to my surprise, my mother spoke to me. At first, it was just a few words, and then it was like nothing had happened. After her prayers, I could hear her praying to her statues to guide me and that I had been misguided by the devils and am now on the wrong path.

Alhamdulillah, nothing has happened since my mother found out about my Islam. Verily, Allah has protected me from harm. Allah knows best, but if it wasn't for His protection, my situation would've been much worse, as my mother would have not reacted this way upon finding out about my Islam. And that now the cat is out of the bag, as they say, I can practice my Islam fully, without fearing that my mother will find out.

These events have made me realise that when you are facing hardships, the only One you can rely on and turn to is Allah, and if Allah brings you to it, he'll bring you through it. And verily, everything happens for a reason, like I mentioned before in a previous post.

May Allah grant us all hidayyah and keep us on siraat ul mustaqeem, ameen.