Memoirs of a Secret Muslimah - Fasting in Ramadan

Subhanallah, it's already been around 7 months since I told my mother about my conversion to Islam.. So this Ramadan I fasted at home, and alhamdulillah with ease.

Some of you may ask "how did you fast in Ramadan while your mother didn't know that you were Muslim?" Let me take you on a journey as to how I managed to fast in Ramadan..

Basically, in the first few months of being Muslim, Ramadan was slowly approaching and I was thinking to myself, "how am I going to fast during Ramadan without my mother finding out?". If I fast in front of her, she'll mock me and say how I'm copying my friends and not following her religion. Also thoughts came into my mind saying how I've got a valid excuse for not fasting, I'm a secret Muslim, I can make it up later. But I was adamant that I was going to fast during Ramadan no matter what it took. So I told myself:

• "What if you die, and you don't get to make up those fasts?"
• "What if being a secret Muslim isn't a good enough excuse?"
• "What if Allah asks you 'why did you not fast during Ramadan?' Is simply saying 'I was a secret Muslim' enough?"
• "What if Allah asks you 'what effort did you put into fasting?' And using the excuse that I was a secret Muslim and just sitting back and not putting in any effort to fast for the sake of my Lord, would He be happy with me?"

So I thought to myself that I somehow had to move out of the house during Ramadan, fast without my mother knowing and then moving back in after Ramadan as if nothing had happened. I made du'a asking Allah for a way for me to fast in Ramadan.. I was considering staying in a hostel for a month. I then told someone who was there to support me when I first became Muslim of my plans to stay in a hostel, and they thought I had gone mad. They told me that we'll somehow find a way.. The hard part was telling my mother that I was going to move out for a month. I told her that there was a retreat that was going on for a month. She was suspicious at first, saying how she would need to check the place out and stuff like that. I was wondering to myself "how am I going to fast Ramadan now?" and made du'a to Allah, asking Him to ease my situation. Alhamdulillah, some days after, she agreed to let me go. It was a few days before Ramadan and we found someone for me to stay with for a month. She was a secret Muslim as well, and lived by herself, and in sha Allah, we could increase each other's imaan during the blessed month of Ramadan.

So that was moving out and place to stay sorted.

Ramadan came, and wallahi, out of the 3 years of fasting, that was the best Ramadan I had ever experienced and I managed to fast without my mother finding out. Alhamdulillahi rabbil 'alameen..

When I came back home after Ramadan, my mother didn't ask me any questions about how the 'retreat' was, and it was as if I hadn't moved out of the house for the month..

Fast forward a year..

Ramadan was slowly approaching and I asked myself again, "how am I going to fast without my mother finding out?" The person who I stayed with the year before had made plans to go on Umrah, and so she told me that I would have to make my own plans. So I made du'a to Allah, asking him to provide me with a way to fast during the month of Ramadan. So, I was planning to somehow fast at home. At one point, I got a message from the person I stayed with saying how her plans had changed and that she'll be in London for Ramadan so I could stay with her for the month. Alhamdulillah, my du'a was answered, and I had found a way to fast. The next part was to find an excuse to move out again and get my mother's approval. I was in the final year of secondary school at the time, and there was a 3 week programme to help young people to learn new skills and gain experience. That was a good excuse to move out of the house for a month. So after some persuading, I was allowed to move out of the house for Ramadan again. The person I stayed with had to go to her parents' house during the weekends, so I fasted at home then. But it was better to fast weekends at home than to fast the whole month at home with my mother being suspicious.

Fast forward a year..

A few months before Ramadan, I had told my mother about my conversion to Islam, and was worried about if she would allow me to fast or not, even though she knew I was Muslim.. But I knew Allah was with me, and that if I placed my trust in Him, that He would help me through this. The first half of Ramadan, I still had to go to sixth form, and most of the day, I wasn't at home, so I didn't have any issues with my mother, alhamdulillah.. The second half of Ramadan, even though it was during the summer holidays and I was at home, alhamdulillah, she let me fast in peace, even though I could tell that she was somewhat uncomfortable with me fasting..

You may be wondering why I'm telling you all this. My brothers and sisters in Islam, even if something seems completely impossible to you, nothing is impossible to Allah. All Allah has to say is "Be!" and it is. Make du'a, place all of your trust in Allah, and you will find a way in sha Allah. Wallahi, I did not think that I would be able to fast during my first Ramadan, but alhamdulillah, Allah provided me with a means of fasting.

If you take one step towards Allah, Allah will take ten steps towards you, and if you walk towards Him, Allah will run towards you, subhanallah.

May Allah continue to bless us and grant us all hidayyah, ameen.